A TRIP THROUGH THOUGHT
“A Trip Through Thought” depicts a look into the inner workings of anxiety and OCD, based on my own experiences. The pieces tell a sequential story of an irrational thought and how OCD manipulates it and the difficulties of that process. Various parts of the experience are visually explored through surreal worlds.
“Fear of Loss” is one of the biggest intrusive thoughts I deal with. The idea of losing the people I love in my life; my family and friends is something I constantly struggle with.
“Blame and Guilt” is usually one of the first things I experience after an irrational thought. My OCD will usually tell me my thought will “cause something bad to happen” and that “it’s all your fault how could you think of something like that.”
“Choices” is the next stage, OCD will constantly tell me some awful things will happen and that I have no other choice than to do one thing, compulsions. Even though I am aware there are other ways to cope it makes me believe this is the only way.
“Over and Over” is the stage where I do compulsions. Compulsions are any mental or physical activity that my OCD will tell me to do repeatedly to relieve my anxiety or “prevent bad thoughts from happening.” Doing compulsions can cause a cycle of negative reinforcement to the person dealing with OCD, as it creates temporary relief rather than confronting the fear.
“Alone” is about what OCD can do next. Even after the compulsion(s) is done and the temporary relief comes OCD will still argue with me. It can cause me to get in my own head so much that I am so focused on what is in my head I cannot see what is around me. I have been in situations where I could be in a room with people and still feel isolated.
“Overwhelmed” is how I feel when I cannot calm down. If I engage in the compulsion, I enforce that cycle teaching myself the thought now dangerous. Anytime I have that thought again I only get more nervous, I have trouble calming down, and thoughts are running wild inside my head, usually causing a panic attack.
“Cannot See Clearly” is when I am in that panicked state. Even though everything is truly ok and nothing bad has occurred my OCD will then convince me it has. Being in this fight or flight mode will cause me to not use the rational part of my brain to see what is real.
“Not Hungry” is one of the big physical reactions I can have with OCD. During panic attacks, I experience shortness of breath, brain fog, heaviness in my arms or legs, my heart racing, etc. But how do I know that I still have not calmed down is I lose my appetite and I cannot eat anything, even though I want to.
“Always There” is to show that I do what I can to get through my day but what others may not see is that day and night it can constantly linger.
“Comfort” is about being pulled out of the cycle I have been stuck in by someone I love. Finding a form of comfort has helped me get out of many of my downhill spirals. My friends and my family are truly a great support system and are always there for me when I need them. They reassure me, they encourage me to simply try, they are supportive when they see me doing my therapy homework and they are there when I need something as simple as a hug.
“A Trip Through Thought” appeared in OCAD U’s GradEx 107 in 2022. The series is also featured on their illustration website. Which can be found below.